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On Behalf of The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. When people describe their experiences in Family Court and contested divorce cases, they often call it “being put through the ringer.” The process can feel like pure hell when your ex is alienating the children from you. I have had clients tell me that their children refuse to speak to them during visitation, and/or make vicious comments like, “I hate you,” “I don’t really love you,” or even “I don’t care if you die.” Parent alienation may make you feel hopeless, however as a child custody lawyer, here is a brief guide on what you can do to improve or salvage your relationship with your children. The most important thing: Don’t let it bring out the worst in you. Too many parents dig themselves into a deeper hole by inadvertently confirming the alienating parent’s description of them. For example, when the children repeat things that the alienating parent said, some alienated parents see it as a good reason to “bash” the other parent in return. That is a big mistake. The children are not likely to respond by taking your comments at face value. Rather, they will see it as confirmation that the alienating parent’s description of you is accurate. Keep making contact with your children. It may feel silly when you call/Skype/Facetime them and they do not speak to you at all, insult you, or hang up on you. If you stop contacting them at all, they will see it as confirmation of the alienating parent’s statements that you do not love or care about them. Be at your best. Most children (and even most judges) do not understand that your behavior may reflect the hell that you are going through, and not reflect on your true character. Rather, when you lose your composure, your children may feel that you are showing your “true colors.” The alienating parent will take full advantage. (“See? He yelled and screamed. He’s crazy and dangerous, and that’s why I don’t want you going over there.”) No matter what happens, behave in a manner consistent with the way that you want your children to see you. Seek as much parenting time as possible. Many judges believe that when children are not responding to their parents during supervised visits, the visits should stay supervised until the child starts responding. However, I’ve now seen several cases where parents have gotten unsupervised visits, and the children’s behavior does a “180” when they are alone with the targeted parent. While the children may be outright cruel in a supervised setting or during visitation exchanges, they may become affectionate when they are alone with the targeted parent. I firmly believe that as the concept of parental alienation gets more attention, there will be a change to the conventional wisdom that visits need to stay supervised until the quality of the contact improves. Get coaching from a mental health professional with expertise in parental alienation. There are several mental health professionals who specialize in this area, and their guidance will be very useful both in your interactions with your children and in your custody evaluation. Another pitfall: Many well-meaning judges suggest that alienated children get “therapy.” However, many therapists take children’s statements at face value and treat them based upon the assumption that their statements are true. Therefore, if the child is falsely reporting that you are abusive, the therapist may treat the child for the damage that you allegedly caused, inadvertently helping the other parent to alienate the child from you. However, there is hope. There are now therapeutic treatments for alienation, and the mental health professional who is coaching you can point you towards a therapist for your child who is familiar with these methods. For the most severe cases, there is even “immersion therapy,” where alienated parents and their children live together on a campus for a short period of time to renew the family bond. Parental alienation is an insidious form of child abuse. Because it is getting more attention, alienated parents now have more options to save their relationships with their children, and give their children the ability to have both parents in their lives.

On Behalf of The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. I. Introduction: Many parents in Family Court or Supreme Court matrimonial cases ask for “shared custody,” or equal time with their children. Until recently, the response was consistent: “Children need one place to call home” or “Children need stability.” However, more courts are now approving “shared custody” arrangements. This article will discuss: (1) what shared custody looks like, (2) when it is appropriate, and (3) how it affects child support. II. What does a “shared custody” schedule look like? When people come to my office asking for equal time, they often ask to alternate weeks: One week with the mother, one week with the father. However, most people do not like this schedule in reality, because it means that each parent has to go every other week without seeing the children at all. In most “shared custody” arrangements, each parent has two weekdays apiece, plus alternating weekends. For example: Week one: Monday (Father), Tuesday (Father), Wednesday (Mother), Thursday (Mother), Friday (Father), Saturday (Father), Sunday (Father.) Week two: Monday (Father), Tuesday (Father), Wednesday (Mother), Thursday (Mother), Friday (Mother), Saturday (Mother), Sunday (Mother.) When the parents alternate Friday to Monday, and each parent gets two weekdays, the result is a shared custody schedule. III. When is shared custody appropriate? Parents with shared custody have to: (1) communicate, and (2) live reasonably close to each other. When children go from one parent’s home to the other’s during the week, the parents have to communicate frequently. For example, if one of the children has a school project, the child will begin the project at one home, and finish it at the other, thus  requiring the parents to talk to each other about it. Therefore, if one parent is afraid of the other, or if the parents cannot have a conversation without cursing at each other, then shared custody is impractical. In contrast, if the parents can talk to each other civilly for purposes of co-parenting, then shared custody may be a feasible option. Simple logistics require that parents with shared custody live relatively close to each other. Each parent will be responsible for transporting the children to the same set of schools twice per week. If it is impossible for one parent to take the children to school twice per week, then shared custody is not possible. IV. How does shared custody affect child support? Many people assume that there is no child support if the parents share custody. This is incorrect. In Bast v. Rossoff, 91 N.Y.2d 723 (1998), the Court of Appeals found that the Child Support Standards Act applies to shared custody arrangements. In effect, this means that where the parents share custody, the spouse who earns more money pays child support. However, many people will shared custody can argue that they should pay less in child support than they would have to if they only had parenting time on alternating weekends. The Family Court Act states that in determining an order of child support, the Court can consider “expenses incurred by the non-custodial parent in extended visitation provided that the custodial parent’s expenses are substantially reduced as a result thereof,” so long as the child is not on public assistance. N.Y. Family Court Act §413(1)(f)(9)(ii). In other words, if one parent spends so much time with the children that it reduces the expenses of the other parent, then child support can be reduced so long as the child is not on a public assistance budget. However, this decision is within the Court’s discretion, meaning that the Court generally has the ability to do whatever it determines is best for the children. V. Conclusion Shared custody has many benefits. It can allow the children to grow up equally bonded to both parents, and it allows each parent to avoid being “labeled,” to both the children and to society, as the “non-custodial parent.” At the same time, parents seeking shared custody have to ensure that such an arrangement is practical. More importantly, it cannot be used to avoid child support. Like every application made during custody proceedings, a request for shared custody should only be made if it is truly in the children’s best interests.

On Behalf of The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. If you’ve been in custody litigation for a while, you’re probably wondering how much the law comes into play. It may seem like the judge or the referee does whatever he or she wants to do, and that there’s no pesky law getting in the way. Yes, courts are governed by the law. However, the law is not black and white. It is gray. Much of an attorney’s job is to convince a judge to interpret the law in a way that is favorable to his or her client. Judges and referees are attorneys as well. Therefore, if they believe that a certain result is good for your child or children, then they can probably find a way to interpret the law to get to that result. Does that mean that your attorney can’t do anything for you? No, it doesn’t. However, it means the following: Technical arguments, without a corresponding argument about the child’s best interests, are unlikely to work. For example, parties should not take actions that are purely out of spite and bank on an argument that there’s no law against it. The judge will hold spiteful behavior against the parties even if the behavior is perfectly “legal.” Even if the law is on your side, you will have to reassure the judge that the result you’re seeking is in the child’s best interests. This especially applies in cases where one party is a grandparent. While parents do have superior rights to non-parents, the parent seeking custody would be well-advised to demonstrate that their position is not only consistent with the law, but also in the child’s best interests. Don’t piss off the judge! Make sure to be as sympathetic as possible! Remember, your case isn’t a car accident case. The stakes are far higher, and the judges know that. Therefore, don’t expect the judge to treat your case as if it involved an insurance company litigating against a claimant.

On Behalf of The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. As in the case of Tropea v. Tropea, the issue of Child Custody Relocation will be determined by a Judge in Family Court. Requests for relocation when child custody is at stake are reviewed on a case by case basis. The court will take many factors into consideration, but the deciding factor is what is in the best interest of the child. If there is already an order of custody and visitation in place, you will have to prove that your child will benefit educationally, economically and emotionally if you want to move away from the other parent.  If there is no such order, then your proposed move will be one factor that the court will consider when it determines what custody arrangement is most beneficial for your child.

On Behalf of The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. Erasing Family is an International film, currently in production as a follow-up to the influential documentary, Erasing Dads. The original movie helped to expose a significant problem in Argentina, that of fathers being erased from the lives of their children by the court system. Unfortunately, that is not the extent of the issue. Parental alienation is happening to more than just fathers and in many countries across the world including the US.  Mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents and other family members have been alienated from their families. Children have been forced to grow up without parents and/or had to endure the pain of listening to the custodial parent or family member say terrible things about a loved one, generally preventing them from not only seeing, but loving that family member. You can view the film’s website and learn more about this growing problem here http://erasingfamily.org/.  More than 40 years of research on children who have grown up in different divorced situations is now exposing the harm that parental alienation can cause. If you need help with a child custody or visitation case, contact attorney Joseph H. Nivin for a consultation at a reasonable cost. Learn More

On Behalf of The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. On August 30, 2016, the New York State Court of Appeals fundamentally changed the dynamic of family law concerning same-sex couples and child custody.  Until that day, a non-biological parent from a same-sex relationship who did not adopt the child had no standing to seek custody or visitation.  That meant that if the couple broke up, the child’s biological parent could cut his or her ex-partner out of the child’s life permanently.  The other parent had no recourse. In The Matter of Brooke S.B. v. Elizabeth A.C.C., 2016 N.Y. Slip Op 05903, the Court of Appeals held, “Where a partner shows by clear and convincing evidence that the parties agreed to conceive a child and to raise the child together, the non-biological, non-adoptive partner has standing to seek visitation and custody under Domestic Relations Law 70.” That means that if a person can prove that he or she agreed with the biological parent to conceive and raise a child as a couple, then that person can seek custody and visitation in Family Court, whether or not he or she adopted the child. Did you recently leave a same-sex relationship?  Are you trying to get custody or visitation?  The Law Offices of Joseph H. Nivin, P.C. can help!  Call now for a consultation at a reasonable rate.