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Peaceful Existence Part I

We’re still living together and we’re about to break up.  We have children together.  What do I do?
 
            If you are reading this book, you are probably a working parent.  You come home from work, and your home is supposed to be an oasis of serenity.  If you are living with a partner that you are breaking up with, your home is probably anything but that.
            Living with a partner that you are breaking up with is always excruciating.  In fact, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston starred in a movie about it.  When there are children in the mix, that makes matters even more complicated, and more painful.
            In this chapter, we will seek to answer some common questions that come up in situations like this.
            What is the ideal solution?  Ideally, with the help of your attorneys, you will come to an agreement regarding a parenting time schedule (when the children are with each of you), and how the children will be supported.  Once that agreement is in place, then you can separate amicably.  This is the smoothest, cleanest way to resolve this issue.
            If we cannot come to an agreement, should I leave?  I know that people hate attorneys for providing this answer, but it depends.   If you have a place where you can take your children to, which does not interfere with the other parent’s relationship with the children, then it is less likely that you are effectively surrendering custody to the other parent.  (However, if the court finds that your move makes it impossible for the other parent to maintain a relationship with the children, then that may cause you to lose custody.)
            If you move out of the home and leave the children with the other parent, then it will make it more difficult for you to get custody.  Also, it will entitle the other parent to child support, and in some cases, maintenance (alimony).
            Another issue is the home itself.  If you want to keep the home for yourself, leaving will make that more difficult.
            However, under no circumstances should you put yourself in physical danger by remaining in the home with the other parent.
            We’re trying to come to an agreement, but it is taking a while.  What do we do in the meantime?  In the meantime, many couples come up with solutions to remain separated even in the same home, if that makes sense.  Many people, if they can, sleep in different rooms.  Many people even establish temporary parenting schedules, even while living in the same house.  For example, they may agree that both of the parents will alternate weekends with the children, and split Mondays through Thursdays.  However, some flexibility is in order in these circumstances.  If your days are Monday and Tuesday, and the children happen to see the other parent eating breakfast on those days, there is nothing “illegal” about the other parent letting the children sit down and eat at the same table.  It also does not mean that the other parent is trying to keep the children from you or take away your parenting time.  Common sense and goodwill are in order, even in the most emotionally trying of circumstances. This can be an uncomfortable and awkward situation for you and your former partner, but this may be what is best for the children while something more permanent is being figured out.
            Most of all, remember that this period will pass.  If you’ve already made the decision to end the relationship, then there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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